Jupiter Ascending

Written and Directed by The Wachowskis

Starring Mila Kunis
Channing Tatum
Sean Bean

This is going to be a harsh review, and probably not very long. Hell I could probably review Jupiter Ascending in one word: Crap.

When I first saw the trailer on Hulu, I was hyped to see this. I made one major mistake though. I didn’t bother to see who made the film. Once in my seat in theaters, my heart sank when I saw the name Wachowski. I thought about leaving, but I had my popcorn and soda in hands, and I figured I would give them the benefit of the doubt.

Bad Move.

Jupiter Ascending is a beautiful looking film, but that is it.

In Jupiter Ascending the Earth is being prepared for harvesting by an alien Corporation. Said harvesting is paused when it is discovered that Jupiter Jones (Mila Kunis) is the reconvergence (a fancy, complicated and stupid way the film describes reincarnation) of the Queen.

The Queen’s three children vie for control of Jupiter, with one planning on marrying her! Through in Caine Wise (Channing Tatum) as a protector and we have . . . something.

Beyond great effects and high production value the film is a total waste. The plot is muddled and never quite clear, the characters are all one-dimensional, dialog is piss poor and Sean Bean is wasted in a throw-away role.

Seriously, Sean Bean’s role of Stinger could be cut from the movie and it would be an improvement. Who uses Sean Bean like that?

The entire story is so by-the-numbers is it stupid. Of course we know when Jupiter Jones meets Cain Wise they are eventually going to fall in love, what the hell else are they going to do? In addition to that the film is poorly paced with overdone and over long action scenes that actual bore.

I have heard people say that this film had everything but the kitchen sink. I disagree. It not only had the kitchen sink, it hit the viewers over the head with it.

Jupiter Ascending can best be described as a crap mash-up of dozens of superior Sci-fi movies, TV shows, comics and novels.

Well, at least the popcorn and soda were good.

FINAL THOUGHT: Skip this film, read a sci-fi book instead. Hell, take a bowl movement, that will be more entertaining.

RATING: 3