METALSTORM The Destruction of Jared-Syn

Directed by Charles Band

Produced by Charles Band, Albert Band, Alan J. Alder

Written by Alan J. Alder

Starring Jeffrey Bryon Dogen

        Michael Preston         Jared-Syn

        Tim Thomerson Rhodes

        Kelly Preston Dhyana

        Richard Moll         Hurok

        R. David Smith Baal

Best Performance: Richard Moll

Worst Performance: R. David Smith

Release Year: 1983

I am a fan of Charles Band (Empire pictures, Full Moon Entertainment). Honestly though, I think I am more of a fan of what he had achieved in his long indie film career, more than some of the films. While he directed, produced or released some entertaining films, some good films, there were also some very bla films.

MetalStorm is one of those bla films.

I want to get one thing out of the way right up front. I have never understood while this film was subtitled ‘The Destruction of Jared-Syn,’ that makes this sound like a sequel to me. It is a stand-alone film. I for one am grateful for that.

For some reason I had decent memories of this film as a child. So much in fact I tracked it down and bought it on DVD. 

Mistake #1 was trusting my memory.

Mistake #2 was buying the DVD

Mistake #3 was watching this movie again recently.

On almost every level this movie is completely sub-par. The script is plot-less and really goes nowhere. The characters are very one-dimensional and almost non-existent in characterization. 

The main character, Dogen, is a perfect example of this. A mad max knock-off, he is Ranger – Finder Class – who is constantly referred to as a great warrior. Yet he does nothing to warrant that! A lame character that does nothing heroic, and certainly nothing warrior-like. To call him incompetent would be an insult to incompetence.

There is no acting in this film. Basically there is primping for the camera and reciting memorized lines. Richard Moll, who plays an always smiling, bald, Cyclops, gives the only thing close to an acting performance.

How bad is this film? The write up for the movie mentions it takes place on another world called Lemruai, yet that is never mentioned in the film. It plays more like a post-apocalypse film, then a space adventure.

There is an attempt to add some depth and mysticism to the film with the concept of an ancient magic crystal. Yet it is barely mentioned, poorly developed and only adds to the confusion of the story. It somehow comes into play in the third act and leads to one of the worst final confrontations I have ever seen.

If you’re in the mood for some dumb post-apocalypse film, go for it. It might fill that need.

Until watching it again recently, I never knew this was filmed in 3D. That might explain how pissed poor the transfer is on the DVD.

FINAL THOUGHTS:

Sub-Par.

RATING: 4

Star Wars: The Forces Awakens Review

This is my first WHAT I WATCH I REVIEW post in almost a year! Much less this year!

By now, I assume most people who want to, have seen Star Wars: The Forces Awakens, given the fact that it crossed the Billion Dollar mark world-wide in ten days. However that doesn’t exactly mean anything as to how good a film is.

“At least the prequels had good music.” – Dave Parrish, Producer, Rebel Dawn Creative Forces, Activist/Owner Operation Save the Earth.

I have very mixed feelings about this film, because there are some really good things, and one great moment.

That great moment is the face to face between Han Solo and Kylo Ren. Adam Driver delivered big time in this scene.

In fact Adam Driver is the one shining gem in this movie for me. He is a far better actor then Hayden Christianson and he makes Kylo Ren infinitely more watchable then Anakin Skywalker. Kylo Ren is also a far more three-dimensional character than The Phantom Menace’s Darth Maul.

The effects are good, the acting is good and most of the characters are well–defined. The film itself looks beautiful, the effects and cinematography are awesome.

It may well be the best film J.J. Abrams has ever made.

It actually feels like a Star Wars film. And that is where the film fails and bottoms out.

It doesn’t feel like a NEW Star Wars film, or a continuation of the series. That’s because it isn’t. It is in fact an in series reboot, a borderline remake of A New Hope, and Empire and Jedi to a lesser degree. Almost every major scene in the film, every major plot point, is lifted from A New Hope.

The light saber duels mirror Obi-Wan’s and Anakin’s duel from Revenge of the Sith, and Luke and Vader’s duels from Empire and Jedi.

Hell, even Obi-Wan’s death is mirrored in this film.

No one even bothered to come up with a new ‘doomsday weapon.’ It was the Death Star now called the Star-Killer (Skywalker’s original last name) and it is an actual weaponized planet. It was even destroyed in the same way both previous Death Stars were destroyed.

The Forces Awakens fails to do the one simple things it was supposed to do, in fact had to do. It fails to move the story forward in any meaningful way. Yes, we have five new characters, but that isn’t enough.

I loved seeing Han and Leia. Ford and Fisher delivered. Unfortunately, they weren’t the Han and Leia we should have, and deserved. What we should have is characters who have grown over the last thirty years. Character more developed; familiar, but not the same. Instead, for some reason Han and Leia devolved as characters.

They were the Han and Leia from A New Hope. Han being the smuggler, outlaw scoundrel flying by the set of his pants; Leia being the carrying-the-galaxy-on-her shoulders rebel leader.

In essence Disney put their stamp all over the film. Rebooting the franchise to basically make it start here. J.J. does what he always does, simply redoes someone else’s idea.

The worst part of this isn’t that The Forces Awakens is a bad film. It is just an average film at best.

STAR WARS: MAY THE CLIFF NOTES BE WITH YOU, would have been a more apt name for this movie.

In essence what we truly have here is a two hour Star Wars crawl.

RATING: 5/10

RIGOR MORTIS

Directed by Juno Mak

Written By Philip Yung

Jill Leung

Juno Mak

Starring Chin Siu-ho

Anthony Chan

Kara Hui

Lo Hoi-panh

Paw Hee-Ching

Rigor Mortis is a Hong Kong horror film. Despite that it does use some typical Asian horror motifs, this is a really good, creepy and entertaining horror film.

A down-on-his-luck, depressed and suicidal actor, Chin Sio-Ho, moves into a dilapidated apartment building and comes face to face with twin ghosts, a vampire hunter, a black magic practitioner and an elderly women trying to resurrect her dead husband. A resurrection that only succeeds in him becoming a vampire (the Chinese variation, not European).

Rigor Mortis achieves three things many horror films do not. It maintains a level creepiness throughout the movie. It never forgets it is a horror film. It has a number of good to excellent performances from the cast.

How many horror films can you actually praises the cast?

The script is good, the acting is good and it never devolves into a gore fest, plus it keeps up a heavy dose of ‘what-is-going-on’ up until the ending.

FINAL VIEW: See this film, especially if you are a horror or Asian film fan.

RATING: 7

Jupiter Ascending

Written and Directed by The Wachowskis

Starring Mila Kunis
Channing Tatum
Sean Bean

This is going to be a harsh review, and probably not very long. Hell I could probably review Jupiter Ascending in one word: Crap.

When I first saw the trailer on Hulu, I was hyped to see this. I made one major mistake though. I didn’t bother to see who made the film. Once in my seat in theaters, my heart sank when I saw the name Wachowski. I thought about leaving, but I had my popcorn and soda in hands, and I figured I would give them the benefit of the doubt.

Bad Move.

Jupiter Ascending is a beautiful looking film, but that is it.

In Jupiter Ascending the Earth is being prepared for harvesting by an alien Corporation. Said harvesting is paused when it is discovered that Jupiter Jones (Mila Kunis) is the reconvergence (a fancy, complicated and stupid way the film describes reincarnation) of the Queen.

The Queen’s three children vie for control of Jupiter, with one planning on marrying her! Through in Caine Wise (Channing Tatum) as a protector and we have . . . something.

Beyond great effects and high production value the film is a total waste. The plot is muddled and never quite clear, the characters are all one-dimensional, dialog is piss poor and Sean Bean is wasted in a throw-away role.

Seriously, Sean Bean’s role of Stinger could be cut from the movie and it would be an improvement. Who uses Sean Bean like that?

The entire story is so by-the-numbers is it stupid. Of course we know when Jupiter Jones meets Cain Wise they are eventually going to fall in love, what the hell else are they going to do? In addition to that the film is poorly paced with overdone and over long action scenes that actual bore.

I have heard people say that this film had everything but the kitchen sink. I disagree. It not only had the kitchen sink, it hit the viewers over the head with it.

Jupiter Ascending can best be described as a crap mash-up of dozens of superior Sci-fi movies, TV shows, comics and novels.

Well, at least the popcorn and soda were good.

FINAL THOUGHT: Skip this film, read a sci-fi book instead. Hell, take a bowl movement, that will be more entertaining.

RATING: 3

UPSIDE DOWN

Directed by Juan Diego Solanas

Starring Jim Sturgess, Kirsten Dunst

When I first found out about Upside Down, I was looking forward to seeing it. The idea intrigued me. When I finally sat down and watch the movie this past week, the intriguing idea seemed to fade away.

The idea of twin planets with opposite pulls of gravity seemed nice, the execution of this seemed off. One planet was on top of the other and you could crossed between them using a building called TransWorld.

There is even a scene where the worlds are crossed using a rope. Even for Science-Fiction I found this far-fetched, what about the void of space in between? Maybe I just missed something.

The other thing that faded this concept for me was the story and plot. Instead of exploring and exploiting the Twin Worlds concept to reveal how people lived in this unique way, they used the concept to tell a generic romantic comedy story.

In fact, this film faded so quickly for me it is another unfinished viewing. Around 40 minutes in I stopped caring and stopped watching. Nothing was happened, other than a late twenty-something guy, pawning over a girl he once knew ten years before and coming up with elaborate schemes to see her.

Sorry but this was not a good use of this concept. Furthermore, there was nothing in the script or characters to get emotionally invested in.

The visuals are stunning though, points for that.

FINAL VIEW: Wasted opportunity.

RATING: INCOMPLETE

THE FOUR

Directed by Gordon Chan and Janet Chun

Starring Deng Chao
               Liu Yifei
               Collin Chou
               Ronald Cheng
               Anthony Wong

The Four is a highly entertaining Chinese Martial Arts Super Hero Film. If the subtitle translation is correct, there are even references to ‘super powers’ and ‘heroes’ in the film.

Lead by Master Zhuge Zhenswo, The Divine Constabulary of Emotionless, Life Stealer, Iron Hands and the newly recruited Cold Blood investigate an influx of counterfeit coins into the economy. Their investigation leads them to but heads with Department Six, and into conflict with a powerful villain using magic to raise an army of the dead.

Visually the film is stunning, and the effects for each character’s powers are superb.
One of the true highlights of the film is the acting. I didn’t witness what I would call a bad performance by any of the main leads. Which is extremely good in this case, as the acting at times made up for some weak characterization on certain characters.
While entertaining, The Four does have some flaws, mostly with the script. The plot is good and the story solid. The problems come into play with the characterization and the breakneck pacing.

Life Snatcher, Master Zhuge and the villain, are the most fleshed out and well-rounded characters. Others lean more toward stock characters then actually characters. But as mentioned above, the good performances by the actors, save the characters.

The Pacing is the biggest flaw in the film, it causes certain parts of the film to feel a little choppy and some of the underlying relationships to feel rushed. This is a script issues, as it wasn’t quiet developed out enough.

Despite these flaws, I enjoyed The Four, and will be on the lookout for Part II and III, in what I have learned is a trilogy.

FINAL VIEW: The Four benefits from excellent filmmaking that helps to make the differences and almost overcome shortcomings in the script. It would rate higher if the script was a little stronger.

RATING: 6

The Phantom Punch

I wrote in my intro post that I would write/review even films I didn’t finish. Of course I can’t write a full review, but I can write about what I did watch and why I stopped.
This is my first such piece, so join me for a brief time on an unfinished journey called The Phantom Punch, directed by Robert Townsend and starring Ving Rhames as Sonny Liston.

The Phantom Punch is supposed to be the story of Sonny Liston’s life. If someone’s life can be told via note cards. Instead of a coherent film that tells a story, The Phantom Punch is more like a series of unrelated vignettes, or a ‘80s style 90-second montage dragged out to 90 minutes.

There are three major issues with The Phantom Punch. The first is the above mentioned incoherently. The second is Ving Rhames himself. He is a great choice to play an older Liston, but a 20-year old Liston? A fifty year old Rhames plays Liston at 20, 40 and beyond. This means Liston never ages over the course of his life in the film. Just Bad.

The third issue is this, Liston seems like an afterthought in a movie that is supposed to be about his life. If a movie about Sonny Liston’s life seems uninterested about Sonny Liston, how can a viewer be interested? I doubt that changed in the second half of the movie I didn’t watch.

The Wikipedia entry for Sonny Liston is more engrossing.

The Final View: Give this movie a pass, read Wikipedia instead.

Rating: Incomplete.