Neon Maniacs

Neon Maniacs

Okay, seriously: Neon Maniacs . . . Without a doubt this is some serious ‘80’s horror/gore/supernatural goodness. That may be the nicest thing I can say about the film. Seriously, it is a compliment.

Seriously though, what the Hell is Neon Maniacs? For that matter what is A Neon Maniac? And why the hell are they call Neon? These are serious questions people, and they never get answered. Not that it really makes a difference to the story, plot or characters.

Oh wait, that’s right – who needs a silly story, plot or well-rounded characters? This is ‘80’s horror!



Apparently Neon Maniacs are the Legion of the Damned, unleashed from under San Francisco’s Golden Gate Bridge to do battle with local teenagers, only to be defeated. Just don’t expect the movie to tell you that part.

For the Gore Miesters out there, there is a lot of gore and violence and gruesome kills. These are the high points of the film.

Production value for Neon Maniacs is typical for the time period and genre, low budget, average, but gets the job down. Acting is typical for the time period and genre, non-existence.

Neon Maniacs is best suited to the Gore Crowd and the So-Bad-It’s-Good niche. Even hardcore genre fans may find the movie lacking and a little to typical. Overall it’s an average film at best.

FINAL THOUGHTS
Why weren’t the God Damn maniacs Neon? Seriously, I wanted NEON!

RATING: 5

The Conjuring

Directed by James Wan

Starring Patrick Wilson, Vera Famiga

Only recently have I watched The Conjuring. I didn’t see it in theaters and it was a middle-of-the-list movie on my see list. It should have been higher.

Patrick Wilson and Vera Famiga star as The Warrens, a legendary husband and wife team of paranormal investigators. Whether they were legit or not, or any of the case they investigated were real hauntings, bare no merit here.

The movie presents them as being legit, and their cases as well. After all, it is based on one of their actual cases.

Let me say this about the movie:

This is one of the best horror films I have seen in a long time. I loved The Conjuring.

The story and script were very strong. Production values were high and the acting excellent.

This movie knows not just how to scare you, but how to chill one to their bones. It takes the time to build up the nightmare slowly, all the while playing games with your head that there might not be a nightmare. There is no gore or shock value. Instead of those they use light and dark, to create an atmosphere and mood that instills dread. They also do something else.

They present the film as a drama. The characters are fleshed out and developed. There is character conflict as well as story conflict. The Warrens are both three-dimensional characters and go through their own journeys.

The Plot and story are also developed as the movie unfolds. Scares and reveals are placed at just the right moments.

The Conjuring has more in common with Val Lawton’s Cat People, then it does a modern day slasher/horror flick. It is better for it.

FINAL THOUGHTS
Vera Famiga is awesome. Awesome.

The Conjuring is excellent too. It pulls off a rare feat of working as a horror and drama film.

RATING: 7.5

Barbarella, Queen of the Galaxy

Directed by Roger Vadim

Starring Jane Fonda, John Phillip Law

Recently I read the collection of the original Barbarella comics. They weren't very good. I then decided to watch the movie for the first time in years.

This is one time the movie is better than the source material. While the basic story of the film does originate with the comics, there are a number of significant changes.

In the movie there are no weapons, universal peace and violence is abhorrent.

In the comics, war abounds, weapons are plentiful, and Barbarella herself is violent.

In the movie physical sex is archaic. In the comic, Barbarella is a pure slut.

Truth is the movie is better then the comic, and much better than many claim.

Barbarella (Jane Fonda) is sent on a mission by the president of Earth to find a rouge scientist, Duran Duran, who has invented a new weapon.

Crash landing on her target planet, Barbarella ends up in a series of events that test her will and expand her sexuality (to put it politely).

Along the way she meets, falls in love with – and makes love to – a Blind Angel (who in truth is the last of his Alien Race), played by John Phillip Law.

Eventually she finds Duran Duran, only to be subject to an outrageous machine which is supposed to ‘stimulate’ her to death. Only Barbarella is too much for the machine, and causes it to overload. Thus she wins the day! Goodness reigns sex er . . . supreme!

Roger Vadim forgoes trying to make a serious moment out of this film. Instead he focused on the silly, fun factor and doing something modern – 'making a comic book movie.'

The story is decent, acting good and direction strong. But the true star of this show is the production values and effects.

This film is absolutely beautiful. Keep in mind this film was made in 1968 and has many sixties styles, including Barbarella’s spaceship filled with shag carpeting.

Sixties styles aside, the effect for this film are awesome and stunning. The filming is outstanding and the colors are superb. There are sequences in this film that have never been done again.

This film truly looks like the printed comic book page – and is richer for it.





FINAL THOUGHTS:

Overall Barbarella is a kitschy, sexy, campy, psychedelic trip. Thing is, it is far more compelling and fun film that many people give it credit for.

RATING: 6.5

MATT MERCURY

Matt Mercury. I’ve seen this on Amazon Instant Video for a long time. The other night I took the plunge and decided to give it a chance.

I almost want to apologize for what I am about to write . . .

Giving this film a chance was, well, not a good idea. It ended up being even worse than I thought it would be, or thought it could be.

The fact that the filmmakers got the film made and got it on Amazon is the nicest thing I can say about the film.

The story is terrible, the acting atrocious and the production values are up to Saturday Morning Kids show standards in deepest, darkest Africa – where TV doesn’t exist.

The film is one of the worst films I have ever had the unfortunate dis-pleasure of seeing. The thing is, it seems to me like the filmmakers may have had a lot of fun trying to make a ‘so bad it’s good’ movie. If that is the case (and I have no idea) they partly succeed, but only the ‘so bad’ part.

Let me make one thing clear, I didn’t like the film, but I refuse the bash or write ill of the filmmakers. I don’t know them, they could be good people. They may have had a lot of fun making this – whatever it is . . . there has to be some reason for it to exist.

FINAL THOUGHTS
I try not to have any more thoughts on this film.

RATING: UNRATABLE. (IS THAT A WORD?)

LUGGAGE OF THE GODS

Why? Why didn’t someone warn me about this movie? I probably would still have given it a chance, but a warning would have been nice.

Instead I have been often told about how great this movie is. That it is a Cult Classic. I know a number of people on the lookout for the out-of-print DVD.

I’ve even seen professional critics who praised this film.

The only thing I see when it comes to Luggage of the Gods that I can praise is the fact that someone actually made the film. Oh, and the pretty female lead.

Luggage of the Gods can be best describe as experimental filmmaking, unless people were really high when developing the film. It lacks a plot, any coherent script, little characterization and what passes for acting is something I have rarely seen – and don’t wish to again.

The idea behind the film is that some luggage is dropped from an airplane and lands in a remote area where there are still lost cavemen. The luggage (from the modern world) has an effect on this tribe, as do some bad men who come looking for an item in one of the pieces of luggage.

As in many other films concerning ‘Cavemen’, there is little to no dialogue (but there is narration), just lots of grunts, groans and odd facial gestures.

Oh, and this group of cavemen apparently live near New York City – but somehow have never seen the city????

The narration I mentioned above, is seemingly by one of the main characters who lives the tribe behind and journeys into the modern world and learns English.

The idea is solid – but the execution is silly. This is something that would have worked better as a short film, than a feature.

FINAL THOUGHT

UGGG

RATING: 3

What I Watch I Review: The Kiss Short Film

The Kiss is an Australian short film that can be seen on Amazon.

On their way home, perhaps from a party and seemingly drunk, two female best friends decide to climb into a huge water tank. There, they have fun swimming around and playing pranks with some lesbian overtones. All is fun until one actually drowns, leaving the other to scream for help where there is none.

There are nice things about The Kiss: the production values are good and the performances shine. The two actresses truly feel like best friends.

The thing is, the overall story falls a little flat. It just doesn’t feel like there was enough to this story, like it was missing a scene or a few more minutes.

This short film is worth a viewing, but just don’t be surprised if you come away feeling like it just didn’t quite get there.

Rating: 5.5

What I Watch I Review: SPACE BATTLESHIP YAMATO

Director: Takashi Yamazaki

Screenwriter: Shimako Sato

Starring: Tsutomu Yamazaki; Takuya Kimura; Meisa Kuroki; Toshiro Yanagiba

Based upon: SPACE BATTLESHIP YAMATO anime series, also known as the North American edited Star Blazers.

I am vaguely familiar with the SPACE BATTLESHIP YAMATO anime series. I know I watched episodes as a child (probably the Star Blazers version), but don’t remember much. So, for this, my view wasn’t tainted by love or hate for the anime.

The film is the epitome of an eye-candy, popcorn, special effect extravaganza, leave-your-brains-at-the-door, film event.

SPACE BATTLESHIP YAMATO is a gorgeous and glorious film filled with space battles, great special effects, awesome actions scene and great camera work. Production values are top notch.

(You knew this was coming, right?) What is not gorgeous and glorious about SPACE BATTLESHIP YAMATO? The plot is virtually non-existent, and the script is poor with only the barebones of a story which hits all the highlights and nothing else. Everything that happens is by the book and overly predictable, and not in a good way.

There is little actual acting in the film, but to be honest the actors are not given much to work with. The characters are typical stock characters with little personality, no depth and just serve to get us from one special effects to another.

If you a fan of the anime, I believe you can skip this film. I don’t think you’re missing anything.

Okay, to be honest, I think everyone can skip this film.

RATING: 4